Korean Wannabe

Everybody makes mistakes

2011-12-05T22:55:00.000-08:00

I've written on here in the past about my family life and problems that have ensued with my first trip back to Korea. Well I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months since the last trip home from Korea. As frustrated as I was with my mom about how she handled certain situations, I have to remember, there are two sides to every story. I don't want viewers to judge my mom about her actions, everyone makes mistakes, and old habits die hard. And I'm sure I didn't make the situation any easier for her. She handled the situation as best as she could at the time, and so did I. If we could go back in time and change things, I'm sure that both of us would. But since we can't, we just have to move forwards. Forgive and forget....well maybe not forget, but forgive and learn from our mistakes and experiences.

I feel like I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted, and where I wanted to go. Well, I'm 26, and after this second trip back from Korea, I feel like I finally have a clue. I spent too much time thinking about what I missed out on, the life I could have had, the language I should have grown up learning...instead I should be thinking about the life I can have with the opportunities that were given to me.

I think about my life, how I grew up in a Caucasian environment, not learning my language or culture, growing up wishing I was white just so I could fit in with the other kids so I wouldn't be teased anymore....but in reality, I should have been thinking about what my life could have been like if I wasn't adopted. I should be grateful. Grateful for the opportunities that I was given, that my parents gave me, because without them who knows where I would be. So in reality, overseas adoption should continue for the time being, because one must remember, it wasn't the children's fault, so don't make them suffer. At least if they are adopted to other countries, most likely they'll lead a better life. I did.

Watch this video. Listen to his story. It made me open my eyes and be thankful that I was adopted. Orphaned boy on Korean Talent Show

1st AAFF (Adoptee Art & Film Festival) in Seoul

2011-11-13T23:34:00.000-08:00

The theme is 'Connect with Korea'. Adoptees from around the world submitted work through Goal and InKas to take part in this art and film festival. I believe it focuses primarily on short films, but artists were able to submit work in other mediums as well as long as they stayed with the theme. Artists are then compensated for their works and some even get half of their plane ticket compensated and free accommodations during the event.

They have an invitation event on facebook through InKas and here's a link to their main website. If you view the invitation event on facebook (English version), you'll see the event profile image, you'll also see my name on it towards the top! I submitted work and it will be displayed during the event! Wish I could go to it!

"Single Mothers are Ignorant Whores" - Ministry of Health and Welfare

2011-11-10T10:34:00.001-08:00

http://thegrandnarrative.com/2011/11/10/korea-single-mothers/?mid=525

'I Am Unicorn'

2011-10-06T03:01:00.000-07:00

anyone watch last weeks episode of Glee? 'I Am Unicorn'. It talks about adoption. Ya....not how adoption really works people. But good effort on trying....?

Not all Adoptees are created equal

2011-09-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

Over the past 3 years, I've met a lot of nice Korean adoptees from all over the world. We all have similar yet different stories. But when it boils down to it, some Kads are just effing crazy. Lately I feel like a lot of adoptees hide behind their adoption and use it as an excuse as to why they act out, or don't fit in, or have identity problems...I know I do. But in reality, adopted or not, we all have our problems, and we're all in our own way....crazy.

But it's not about why we're crazy, why we have these problems/issues. It's about what we are or aren't doing about them. Yes, I have a lot of identity problems resulting from my adoption because I don't feel like I fit in either in Korea or back in Minnesota. But rather than just keep playing the same record, I'm involving myself in the birth family search, because whether or not I actually find my family, I, in the end, will have hopefully found myself.

KBS I miss that person

2011-08-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

So my sis and I went on KBS show live this past Friday Aug 19, 2011. The link is online, but you need a log-in to watch it.

If I would have known exactly what it was like, I wouldn't have gone on it. Only because I would never want to meet my birth family for the first time live on tv....It was really awkward to watch two brothers reuniting on live television....

The show is completely scripted. We first had to fill out detailed paperwork along with an array of pictures of our life from our adoption to our current age (all pictures need specific ages too). The pre-interview was easy enough. We had to film a quick 30 second clip to advertise our story, then we just went over the script in detail to see how we answered every question. That was it. It took about 3 hours.

The day of the show, we arrived at 9am (we got lost...they gave us bad directions), then rehearsed after we met our translator. Then the show aired live from 11am-12pm. I got bored during the actual filming of the show since I didn't understand anything else that was going on. We went last, we were told that sometimes they run out of time, so they want short answers, and will also not ask as many questions either. They cut out some questions.

After the show, backstage, an older guy approaches us and tells us (thru translator) that he wants to help us by putting an ad about our search/story in a Korean newspaper. Then proceeds to tell us how we could possibly go about finding more information (which my genius friend already had told us about), he also made some calls and said he would check with some of his connections as well! How nice of him!

Later that evening, at KoRoot, I received a phone call from MBC, Korean broadcasting network. They said something about putting together a documentary about our search and how they had seen my sister and I on the KBS show earlier that morning. We haven't decided yet...

But KBS is a great way to get your story heard. I just wouldn't actually want to find my family through them, because remember, they are first and foremost a TV show that is looking for ratings....not your family.

Korea pictures #2

2011-08-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

this time around I'm trying to take more artistic pictures. I'm also color correcting photos in photoshop before posting them online as well.

Korea Pictures #2

Korea Take 2!

2011-08-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Busy trip. Hot. Muggy. Humid. Rainy. Went to Eastern today to relook at our adoption file. Wednesday we go to a preinterview with KBS. Friday we are on KBS I miss that person Live. The search continues.

It's that time again

2011-08-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

I leave for Korea again this Thursday. This will be my second trip. Second trip to Korea in 1 year....in 7 months actually. Since the first one was....interesting.....my sister and I are embarking on our second trip, but treating it as our first. Because of the drama that took place during the first trip in January, there were many things that we never got to do. So this time around, we're doing it right. My sister and I are going to travel around the country seeing the sights with an adoptee friend of ours that we met last time we were there. I'm pumped!

After 2 weeks in Korea, we'll jump a plane to Sydney, Australia to spend a week there visiting some of our other adoptee friends that we met during our last trip.

I have a good feeling about this trip! Last trip I was anxious and nervous while I was heading towards the unknown, but this time I'm just excited!

Once again we will be staying at KoRoot while we are in Seoul. We'll travel to Busan, Ulsan, Jeju, and finally to the Seoraksan mountains. I broke my camera right after my first trip when I got home and went snowboarding, and all I have now is my camera phone....so there may not be many pictures for this trip...or they will just suck.

Hopefully the weather is nice, I hear it's still raining....depressing.

Less than one month to go...

2011-07-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Going back to Korea in roughly 3 weeks. Figured that if I can love Korea during it's coldest and hottest months....I'll always like it there then.

I am dreading the humidity tho...and mosquitoes.

Asian Night...

2011-06-25T00:32:00.000-07:00

While I was in LA, one experience I wanted was to go to a club. Not just any club, a BIG club! I'm not really the 'clubbing kinda gal', but I figured what the hell! So my friends roommate was going to this club called Exchange. So we all tagged along. My friend and I both wore what we considered to be appropriate 'club dresses'; meaning they were short and tight. Apparently that isn't considered club attire. We were very conservative for the evening.

So we get to Exchange to find out that that particular evening is 'Asian Night'. I spent the evening getting shoved, elbowed, and yelled while of course trying to look composed. The place was too dark to really see anything, drinks were hella expensive (greyhound aka grapefruit juice and Heineken was $16) and although this club has 3 floors, everyone was trying to dance on one dance floor.

Since it was Asian Night, I had an interesting encounter.

Conversation went like this:
Me: I like that it's Asian Night tonight, makes me feel like I'm in SF! haha
Asian Guy: OO, Guess what kind of Asian I am!
Me: Ummm, Chinese?
Asian Guy: No, Taiwanese (me thinking: same thing). Guess what my last name is!
Me: Ummm....what are some Taiwanese last names?
Asian Guy: Lin, blah blah blah
Me: Lin?
Asian Guy: Ya!!! Lemme guess, you're Chinese?
Me: no, I'm Korean
Asian Guy: OOO is your last name Kim??
Asian Guy's friend: Lee?
Asian Guy: Park?
Asian Guy's friend: Yoon?
Asian Guy: So, are we close?
I'm thinking: hahahaha suckers, I should've bet money, what chance would they have ever guessed my last name is Wolters......which is German :P
Asian Guy: Tell me!
Me: ....it's Wolters
Asian Guy: Wobblers???
Me: nooo, Wolters!!!
Asian Guy: Waters?
Me: NOOOO, like Barbara Walters...Wolters!
Asian Guy: Wolster?
Me: Close enough....
*awkward silence*
Asian Guy: So are you on Facebook?
Me: .......................

Needless to say I don't like clubs...

K-Town in LA

2011-06-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

So my trip to LA really made me realize that I am not one of those girls who takes tons of pictures (my friend did though!). I feel that when I'm behind a camera the entire time, I miss out on the actual experience. So needless to say, I did not take any pictures of K-Town. Sorry. But I stole this one from my friend. nom nom nom

Before going, I was told that it's a lot like being in Korea. I wasn't there long enough to tell. Plus it was in the evening. Even for the short amount of time that I was there though, I realized that it does have a certain essence about it that resembles being in Korea. But I still felt it was too American.

Koreatown is huge though! (and apparently not the safest place in the evenings either according to friends)
One thing about being in Korea that's different than in KTown...in Korea, they build up, there are signs everywhere on usually the first 3 floors advertising a different store. While I did not get this vibe in LA. Although their Korean BBQ tastes authentic like Korea!! And is definately more affordable than in SF (for my twin sis's bday and mine, 8 of us went for all you can eat Korea bbq, $40/person! and they charge you for lettuce!!!!!) I also felt like the place we ate at looked more like how the bbq places in Korea are. Although its not 5,000 won all you can eat, it was all you can eat for $10, not too shabby. I ate my weight in bbq that night, then had to go shower because my arms and hair smelt like it too. I call it the new perfume, was battin' the guys down! :)

We also hit up a couple bars in K-Town as well. It was very strange environment, there were Koreans everywhere! Did feel more like Korea, but it was strange hearing people speak fluent English then switch languages to fluent Korean. That's definately not how it is in SF! (In SF, most Koreans are FOBS, speak limited English OR they are Korean American and speak limited to no Korean...at least the ones I've met)

Also, Koreans smoke...a lot. AND they can smoke in the bars/restaurants/lounges in K-Town too! I was surprised about that, because I assumed they followed health laws/codes...apparently not. Also, my Korean friend we stayed with informed us that the Korean businesses in K-Town pay off the cops so they don't come around that area around bar close...hmmm, drinking and driving??

Besides my short visit to K-Town, and bringing SF weather with us to LA (meaning I stayed pale and tanless), I really liked LA, I liked it more than I thought I would actually. For the past 3 years I've had so many people tell me that I would hate LA and the people...I had a blast though, met lots of nice people, ate AMAZING food, got to ride in a car rather than take a bus, . It was fun, and I'd love to go back and hit up more museums!! (check out the Tim Burton exhibit, it's awesome!)

G.O.A.'L temporarily closed

2011-06-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Global Overseas Adoptees' Link has temporarily closed due to lack of funding. To read further, click Here.

K-Town here I come!!!!!!

2011-06-06T00:28:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in awhile...but nothing note-worthy has happened worth posting. BUT...this Friday I'm going to LA for the first time and am gonna hit up Koreatown!!!! I'm pretty excited!

Although San Francisco provides lots of culture and has a huge Asian population here. The Korean culture is always lacking. Yes, there are lots of Koreans living here, but they tend to stick together, and apparently I'm not 'Korean-enough' for them...There are also a good chunk of Korean restaurants here, but they are highly over priced and barely mediocre now that I've been to Korea and tasted authentic Korean food.

So this weekend, watch out K-Town!

*I'll post pictures later :)

Day late, dollar short...

2011-05-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

So, remember how my sister and I had applied for the Inkas summer scholarship?? Well, we assumed we didn't get it, so we went ahead and bought our plane tickets to Korea and Australia as well as booked reservations at KoRoot for a place to stay.......

Guess who emailed yesterday? You got it! Inkas, telling us that Mandi got the scholarship. Well since she's not able to go this summer since she's already registered for classes. I considered going. (remember we're identical twins) But, the semester ends Aug 31...2 days after our flight leaves to Australia. It lands in the middle of all our plans. If they would have contacted us even a week earlier....everything would have been different...

So now, we're just going to continue with what we've already got planned. Go to Korea and Australia together. This way we're not gonna have to worry about studying, and we'll really get a chance to enjoy the sights and travel around the country. Maybe next summer...?? But man, they really wait til the last possible minute to inform those who've gotten the scholarship!!!

Back to the Motherland!

2011-04-26T08:46:00.001-07:00

tickets are bought! We're going back to Korea in August!!! This time around it'll just be my sister and I, AND we're going to Australia to visit some of our adoptee friends!!!! WOOT WOOT!

Asian vs Caucasian O.o

2011-04-11T23:09:00.000-07:00

So I've been searching for my birth family for almost 3 years now. That's 3 years of learning as much as I can about Asian culture and Korean culture. So since then, I have only dated Asian men...am I taking a step backwards by dating a white guy?

Since San Francisco has such a huge Asian population, I feel like when we are out in public that people look at us, because it's an Asian girl with a white guy. Mostly it's the older Asian people who look at us a little too long, who don't turn away when you notice them looking...

But what I've found from dating Asian men...they come with Asian families!!! I know! GASP!!! But seriously, I don't have anything in common with Asian families. One of the guys I was dating, when I met his family, they proceeded to talk to me in Chinese (most people think I'm Chinese), then when they found out I didn't understand, they asked me what languages I knew....ummm, 'Hi, my name is Megan and I'm a dumb American. I speak bad English, thanks.' Plus, Asian men, at least the ones in San Francisco...., aren't what a girl would call, 'manly'. They are super skinny, they don't work out, and they carry man purses....ya, see why I would go back to dating white guys???

Anyways, just was curious on other peoples thoughts...all the Korean adoptee girls that I know, they all date white guys. I'm afraid I've become the stereotype...

Still Pissed Off...

2011-04-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's been just over 2 months since my first trip to Korea. I still miss it. And I'm still not talking to my mom (adoptive). If you haven't read the post...we had a falling out in Korea, you can read it here.

How is one suppose to argue with a 'right-fighter??' I talked to her once just after my birthday, to thank her for the birthday card. It was awkward and tense. We both avoided the subject. But I feel I'm right, she hurt my feelings, she was inconsiderate about the whole search, our culture, our background....while she feels it was our fault for not helping her feel more included and comfortable in Korea...because everybody kept 'staring' at her, and how Koreans are rude, not welcoming, and have horrible food. What does one say to that? 'Thank you for adopting me, I'm so grateful you pulled me out of my culture and country, please back hand me when I'm at my most vulnerable moment trying to figure out what this mess called 'Megan' is....it would be greatly appreciated...'

How does one begin to forgive? We've been told we should be grateful to our adoptive parents, for giving us such 'great lives'...And yes, I had a great life....I'm educated, healthy, well fed, wasn't abused...was taught the difference between right and wrong....But seriously. What if I don't feel that's good enough. Adoptive parents should do more then just 'cover their bases'...they should bend over backwards!

Korea for the summer update

2011-03-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

so we applied for the Inkas scholarship...here's the original post: Korea for the summer?

A friend we met in Korea in January also applied for it. He submitted his paperwork about 2 weeks before we did....because our mom didn't get us our information fast enough...but that's a whole other story...

well, Inkas only lets those who get the scholarship know, they don't inform those who don't. And it's a first come first serve basis....well, He got the scholarship and is moving to Korea in May...

we haven't heard anything...so I'm assuming we won't be going. :(

god that's depressing....maybe I'll just have to book a trip out there anyways. Plus a friend of mine said that if I go this summer she'll introduce me to Taeyang!!! ^^

another year goes by

2011-03-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

got another year older today....wonder if my birth mother is thinking about me today....?? Do you think time is causing her memory to go fuzzy? Wouldn't it be funny if she was just like my adoptive mom? That would be random...

Megan's Korean-ness = FAIL

2011-03-06T03:28:00.000-08:00

So I actually went out tonight...is it bad if a non-Korean guy says stuff to me in Korean and I have to ask him to translate??? Man I fail at being Korean sometimes!

Also, does it bother anyone else when someone asks you, 'so, what are you?'. Because it bothers me. I feel it's dehuminizing. There's so many better ways to ask that question, like: 'What's your nationality?', 'What's your ethnicity?', 'Where are you from?', 'insert generic question here?'.

Also, I hate having to explain my non-Asian last name. 'Hmmm, your last name sounds German...how'd you end up with that name?'...........aka 'Please tell me personal information about your life history right now thanks.'

Also, I tried making Seaweed Soup.....fail. major fail. it's very....bland. But thanks to my new handy-dandy rice cooker, at least the rice was delicious!

Ugh, some days my adoption just really gets to me. Umm, actually no, some days PEOPLE just really get to me. How do people feel comfortable asking someone about something that personal about their life when they know absolutely nothing about them!!!! Some people's kids....can I just work in a cubicle for the rest of my life so I don't have to talk to people?

Baby us :)

2011-02-24T03:14:00.000-08:00

C'mon, we were adorable! Who'd wanna give us up?! haha

Right when we got off the plane. July 5, 1985

Mandi's on the left, I'm on the right.

Same set up here. Mandi and her foster mother on the left, me with my foster mother on the right.

We had problems keeping our socks on...I have the bruise under my eye.

Our graduation from the University of North Dakota. undergrad. the ladies of the family. I'm on the left.

homemade xmas cards...I'm on the right. My mom was mean and kept us with those same mushroom cuts til we were in the 4th grade!

We went to a Korean culture camp for 3(ish?) years. Kamp Kimchee

Korea for the summer?

2011-02-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

We have finally received all the necessary documents from our mom and have gotten all the information sent off to Inkas in hopes that we'll receive the scholarship to study Korean this summer...IN KOREA! And now the wait begins, we don't know when they'll decide who goes and who doesn't. But a friend of ours said that he talked to Inkas on Skype about a week ago, and that they told him they'll decide in 2 weeks.

My sister and I would go together, as long as everything falls into place. Which means that since she just landed this HUGE job, that they'll allow her to work offsite, which she doesn't think would be a problem. As for me, I need to make sure to get everything ready for my midpoint. But teachers have already confirmed that I could present online. So far so good! OMG, we could be going back this summer!!!

But while we waited, we decided to try our hand at making some Korean food! It was ok, it'll be better next time we make it.

Anyone else going to be in Korea this summer?

We made dokbokki, and 두부강정 tofu kahng jung

Plan A

2011-01-30T01:41:00.000-08:00

I miss Korea...a lot. But my genius sister came up with a plan!!!! Go to Korea and study Korean! This summer! O.O

Inkas scholorship
So we're going to sign up for Inkas scholarship (hopefully we'll both get it...) and visit Korea again this summer! So that means, that since I do my midpoint this summer to see if I can continue on with my thesis project, I have to see about giving my midpoint online, or I have to fly back for a few days to give my presentation and then fly back right away because you can only miss X amount of days with this scholarship (I believe it's 3 days...but I may be lying).

A friend of mine was telling me that scholarships are pretty easy to get. Yay!

Also for housing, if you want more privacy then KoRoot offers, then you can rent an apartment in Seoul by the month. Fully furnished with tv and internet. SCORE!

Oh and he also said that if you study Korean at a University in Korea. Study at Sogang University 서강. why? because they focus on speaking Korean. The other universities are good, but they focus on grammar, reading and writing. Think about how you learned English. You learn to speak first. Then you learn to read and write. Makes sense right?

Anyways, that's Plan A. Plan B...to keep at the grindstone known as school, continue on learning Korean here in SF and to get out to Korea after graduation and study Korean.

My trip in pictures

2011-01-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, so posting pictures on this blog is too time consuming. They're already on my facebook account. So go nuts. Although I did realize I didn't take a lot of pictures of Korea itself, the pictures are more of me and my sister with adoptee friends we met while staying at KoRoot...

My trip to Korea Jan 2011

Hopefully helpful information :)

2011-01-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

I'm back in SF now, still having problems with jet lag. Anyways, we salvaged the trip. Agreed to disagree I guess....Anyways, just some tidbits of information.

You do not need to know any Korean to get around!!!! It would be helpful if you did, but not necessary. If you could read Korean would help.
The subway system is so easy to figure out! And everyone is quiet, minds their own business, and no graffiti anywhere!!!
I never learned the bus system though. Was told it's more complicated. Also very clean and quiet. The drivers are scary though, really have to hold on tight!
Food is cheap, taxis are cheap, and you can haggle!
People are pretty helpful. Did get lectured a couple times for not knowing the language, even glared at by some taxis drivers.
KoRoot: a place to stay for adoptees and their families. It is set up like a dormitory. I felt it was a great place to stay, but not for parents. I was told not to stay here in the summer. Party atmosphere and lots of stuff gets stolen. But it is approximately $10 to stay here a night. They provide lunch Monday - Friday. Wednesday is Non-Korean food day. Usually pasta, but still very Korean style.
Winter is so cold, it doesn't give you the opportunity to really see all the sites and activities.
Vendor food is amazingly cheap and good! I highly recommend: 호떡 <--pancake with honey and brown suger in it; Also, Banana Milk 바나나 우유 is amazing! found at convenience stores and most vendors. It's like banana cream pie in liquid form! I already found it in the Korean markets here in SF it's so good!
No tipping!
Korean haircuts are cheap and amazing! My sister had hair just above shoulder length, had it cut and permed for 40,000 won. That would be under $40 USD.
Remember to look up when you're exploring. Some stores don't start til the 2nd or 3rd floor of the building
Don't be afraid to travel to Korea by yourself. Especially if you stay at KoRoot. You will meet so many friends there, you'll love it. And if you are worried, check out some Korean meetup groups online, to network and make connections before you go there. Also, use facebook to make connections as well. FB has a GOAL page and INKAS page. I met some people through there, received lots of helpful information, and even met up with a couple friends once I arrived.
My mom traveled to Korea with my sister and I. She was told by older adoptees that they wished that they had gone with their adoptive parents that first trip back...because it was so emotional. But that was 20 years ago. Korea has changed a lot! After our trip, I wish we could have gone alone. I felt by having my mom with, that it held us back. But then again, my sister and I are very independent. but just food for thought.
The plane ride sucks. Ungodly long and uncomfortable! We flew Asiana airlines. The service was great, food was decent. I was told that you'll have a more comfortable flight and more amenities as long as you fly on an Asian airline. Like Korean Air or Asiana. Don't fly United or Delta. Not the same hospitality. And on such a long flight, hospitality is key!
If you stay at KoRoot. You do not need to bring tons of clothes with you. One suitcase per person is enough. Plus, there's just not enough room to have more than one suitcase! Clothes is really cheap there, you'll want to buy souvenirs anyways. KoRoot also has a laundry machine there too.
Check out Miso, it's a traditional Korean performance. The place is small! So even if you buy the cheapest seats, you'll have a great view! Also, if you sit close to the front and on the isle, you may get asked to participate in the show like I did, but you leave with a souvenir! This was worth every penny!!!!
Must try Korean BBQ in Korea! It's amazing and cheap! 5,000 won all you can eat?? really! We ate at 3 different Korean BBQ places. All were great, the most was 10,000 won per person. (roughly under $10 USD/person) That's with food and drinks. BTW, in Korea, a lemon-lime soda like 7up, sprite, sierra mist, etc....it's called Cider. Weird I know. Cheap in Korea tho!
Everyone is very fashionable! We went in the dead of winter. about 5 degrees F. So many girls all wearing leggings, mini skirts, and all wearing high heels. Both men and women dress to impress though!
Make up in Korea is AWESOME and cheap!
If you go shopping, the people who work there follow you around the store. I found it annoying since that's not how things are done in the states. But they do that just in case you have questions.

fabrications

2011-01-12T19:09:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to Pastor Kim, he runs KoRoot. I was explaining how when I was at Eastern, they wouldn't give me copies of my file. Said it was for confidentiality for the birth parents. But in my opinion, that file is mine.....sooooooo give it to me! But seriously, I feel that since it is information on me, I should be able to have access to everything in it. They wouldn't even let us look at it. The translator read it to us, flipped through it fast.

Pastor Kim states that since the information in our file states that our birth parents family business went bankrupt, there should be some kind of documentation about it. That even 25 years ago, they would have documented it. He said that there was a lot of information in adoptees files that are fabricated. He was saying that there's this book called The language of Blood (or something similar to it....don't remember exact name) that the woman's birth family was searching for her, but her file said she was adopted to the Netherlands, so they searched there. But in reality she was adopted to the United States. He said that especially with girls, adoption agencies get lazy, and give the same name to multiple babies, which makes it hard to pin-point one specific person. Also stated that sometimes adoption agencies have 2 files per child. The one they will show you, and the confidential one with all the birth families information.

When I was there I tried to ask about signing a form, so that if my birth family searched for me, that Eastern would release my information to them, but they said there was no way they would allow for that to happen. They really do a great job at making things difficult. Pastor Kim also stated that Holt has been taking information on how many adoptees had actually found their birth families, and that is right around 2.7%. How depressing. Did say that those who find their families tend to be those who visit Korea regularly and continue to search every time they visit.....

Culture Shock

2011-01-11T19:15:00.000-08:00

This was our first trip back to Korea and it has been such a bad experience. My mom went into major culture shock and has therefore rejected everything Korean related. I figured the culture shock might hit her a week into the trip. Nope! I was wrong, very first day!!! She complained about the weather non-stop. But we had warned her, it will be cold, like the weather back home in MN, so she should be use to it. We bought our tickets during this time because it saved us $1200 EACH then if we would have visited during the spring or the summer!!!! She hates the food. Her excuse is that she wouldn't eat spaghetti for 2 weeks straight so why would she eat Korean food for 2 weeks straight.....ya....totally not the same thing!!!

She states that this isn't her culture, that it's our culture...but when you adopt a child from a different culture, that automatically makes it yours as well!

We were originally planning on going to Ulsan, our birth city. But we don't want to go now because we don't want our first trip there to be filled with arguments and bad memories.

We don't have a very good relationship with our dad. My sister sends him an email or he sends her one about once every 3-4 months. I personally haven't had any communication with him in almost 2 years. We had a good relationship with our mom, a great relationship actually, but her actions and comments these last few days cause me to see her in a different light. Her selfishness is so offensive, that my sister and I both know that this trip has ripped us apart. Maybe it's my young age, but how can you forgive someone for ruining a trip like this?? A trip that they knew was so important...All I know is, I will never go back to Minnesota. I've never considered it home. And that I want to move to Korea.

Even with all the frustrations with our mom, I did discover that I want to move here, study the language, learn my culture and heritage. Regain what I lost with my adoption. I think I realized this when I was on the subway, to look around and know that everyone is Korean and speaks Korean. It's intimidating yet awesome! I would love to be able to fit into that category at some point of my life....

Met with Foster mothers!

2011-01-08T16:54:00.000-08:00

So Friday we met our foster mothers at Eastern Social Welfare Society. It was nice, kind of awkward because of the language barrier. Since my sister and I were the first baby that both had ever taken care of, and we are twins, they and their family remembered us! ^^

The translator was great as well, her English was amazing and she was very nice! Also because they took care of us, they had remained close friends over the years. They said we were really great babies to take care of; we ate well, slept well, weren't fussy, etc. They said that they had us together all day long so we could play together, and that the only time we were apart was when we went to bed! Also our personalities as babies is exactly the same as we are today! My sister Mandi was calmer, liked to be around people, and I was 'angered' more easily; had a shorter temper. haha.

But the meeting in general was nice. We gave them each a photo album to keep so they could see how we grew up and our family. Gave them little gift bags as a thank you for coming. My mom had tears in her eyes almost the whole time hahaha. It was a little awkward though, they don't ask a lot of questions about you, or what you're doing, etc. From what I've heard from the other adoptees staying here at KoRoot, all the foster mothers are like that, they just want to know that you're ok, no more details than that. Since there were so many of us there, it was easy to keep it from getting too awkward.

We swapped information. Neither had email addresses haha, but they said we could keep in touch through snail mail. But we had to have the original letter, translated letter, and a preaddressed envelop included as well. We have quite a few Korean friends that will help us translate the letter, but if we didn't, we are just suppose to send the English letter and they are able to bring the letter to Eastern to have it translated.

Overall the meeting was nice. My foster mother was worried about our health since we made the trip during the winter, during the coldest month, so she hand knitted us each hats!

me, my foster mother, mandi, her foster mother, our mom

me and my foster mother

So far....not so good....

2011-01-06T01:58:00.000-08:00

So we're here.....finally. Wow long flight. Flew Asiana Airlines. No complaints, really nice people & great service.
Arrival: Staying at KoRoot. Everyone's so nice! Full house here too, 7 other girls, 5 guys, and one couple.

Day One: Went to GOAL to fill out paperwork to get on YTN. Everyone's so nice there! Then from there we tried to figure out the subway system. Really easy actually! Then to Gyeongbokgung palace...ugh. I loved it. Great architecture, pretty colors, huge!!!! Problem: it's effing cold here! (btw, I've seen so many girls wearing heels and mini skirts.....ITS FREEZING!!!!)

So my mom isn't adjusting too well to Korea yet. She's talked a lot about American food, orders the most American thing on the menu, and when we went to the palace, she didn't want to walk around and look at it. Just wanted to stay at the museum, inside to stay warm. Said, 'you guys go, it's your culture, I don't really care, it's just a bunch of walls...'. Well, she ended up coming with, wasn't too thrilled. Didn't seem to care, didn't seem interested.

When we finished exploring the folk museum we were ready to go back to KoRoot. By then, my mom was really crabby and almost ran us out of there. To make matters even worse, we got a cab driver that literally drove us in circles so he could make a couple extra bucks......I hate the cab drivers in Seoul. Hardly any speak English, and none know where KoRoot is located, plus they keep glaring at us b/c we don't speak Korean...

Ugh, I really hope my mom is crabby just because of the jet lag.....otherwise this'll be a very long trip...

Mom, Mandi and I at SFO just before boarding our 12 hour flight

Gyeongbokgung Palace

No turning back

2011-01-03T12:40:00.001-08:00

Invading Korea in less than 24 hours. This'll be the first trip back to the Motherland

Awesome links!

2010-12-30T17:37:00.000-08:00

Great blog about studying in Korea!
http://www.seoulcityblog.com/2010/01/12/studying-in-korea/

Well-Adjusted adoptees or Mal-Adjusted adoptees? Great blog!!!
http://relativechoices.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/12/01/well-adjusted/#more-29

Letter to All Non-Asian people:
http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2007/08/ask-korean-news-open-letter-to-non.html

Adopt a Korean
http://askakorean.blogspot.com/2008/08/aak-adopt-korean.html

Hyphen magazine discusses Korean adoption
http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/homeland-divide

Korea wants to end international adoption by 2012
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/09/world/asia/09adopt.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&fta=y

Rent an apartment in Korea for cheap!
http://www.nearsubway.com/

Holy Negativity Batman!

2010-12-18T12:42:00.000-08:00

So I was watching some other KAD's reunion videos and personal videos about their adoptions on YouTube the other day. I was reading the comments, wow, such strong opinions. One that stuck out at me was, '...adoption is selfish.' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMFgxJxPq_s&feature=related
You can read it here in its entirety.

But if you're too lazy, don't have the time, don't want to search for the thread, here's my overview. Basically some people are making comments that state 'adoption is selfish'. That the adoptive parents are selfish. That they believe they are doing this selfless thing by adopting a little baby from a different country that would otherwise grow up with nothing, with no home, with no family. But in reality, it is the birth mother that is selfless. She puts up her child for adoption so they could have a better home, more opportunities, a better life then she could give them. Rather than give money to the birth mother, to help her out in raising her own child, adoptive parents use their wealth, status, and power to buy the child and raise him/her as their own. And that they really don't want anything to do with the birth mother at all, or want the child to have anything to do with the birth mother afterwards.

Such strong opinions from those with no connection to adoption at all. These people are looking at this situation in the wrong way. They are assuming that the birth mother did a selfless thing for her child. Yes, some do. Not all of them do though. I don't remember who I was talking to, but someone mentioned once that a child was put up for adoption because the mother had this baby with man A, but really wanted to be with man B. But man B wouldn't have anything to do with her since she had a baby with man A. So she tosses the baby aside for her own selfishness to be with man B.

Other birth mothers are just plain too young to raise a child. Some relinquish their children because it would bring shame on their family, others are forced into putting their child up for adoption because their family makes them. And in the best of cases, the birth family just cannot financially raise the child, and puts their child up for adoption in hopes of a better life.

There are so many different elements that go into adoption. So many different stories, each one is unique. As a Korean adoptee. My adoptive family has always been very supportive of my sister and I if we wanted to search for our birth family. They've been supportive my entire life. And I've personally never viewed adoption as selfish. And I still don't. Those comments that were left, they actually offend me. They feel that by watching some videos on YouTube that they know exactly what transracial adoption is like.

Yes, I've got my own problems to deal with involving my adoption. But they are personal problems, not every child has them. Just like any other individual, I deal with problems differently then others. I feel that these people just lumped all Korean adoptive stories together and spit out their conclusion. Some people's kids.....

Our foster mothers

2010-12-18T00:17:00.000-08:00

So as I mentioned in previous posts, my twin sister and I had separate foster mothers for the 3ish months we were in Korea before our adoption was finalized. They lived down the street from each other. We've been in the process of searching for them as well as our birth family for our upcoming trip. Well, we got the call today, they found them both! We have dates set up for our reunion, I believe its Friday Jan 7th at 2pm. Afterwards we look at our adoption file at Eastern and see the babies at the orphanage.

A notable mention, I was the first baby my foster mother ever took care of. And that she had a hard time giving me away. I'm excited to meet this woman :)

Maybe this will be just the beginning of the good news!

Adoption and Emotions

2010-12-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

My trip is coming up in 3 weeks from this Tuesday! YIKES! There's still so much to plan and so much to do! We still don't have an itinerary yet! Reason because we need appointments for everything. We are making these appointments through CHS in MN. They are still searching for our foster mothers and trying to arrange a date to meet up if all of our schedules work out. Also, they want our meeting to be on the same day we visit Eastern Social Welfare Society. That will be a big day. Eastern has an orphanage there as well, so we'll be able to see lots of cute little Asian babies that are up for adoption (*tear), also they have a home for single young pregnant mothers as well. Soooo, ya that'll be a big/emotional day.

We need to have a talk with my mom in one week. Questions we need answered before we go. Although this needs to be done in person, we have no choice, we have to do it over the phone for she doesn't get to SF til the 3rd of Jan....our plane leaves for Korea on the 4th...

Why did she want to adopt children from Korea? Did she know the potential problems we'd have growing up Asian in an all white community? If so, why didn't she do anything to prevent it? Why didn't she make sure we grew up with our Korean heritage? She tried, like I said in an earlier post, but we were already in the 4th or 5th grade. We should have grown up with our heritage since day 1. My sister just told me not long ago, that she asked my mom these questions growing up. (My sister is a lot smarter than me, a lot smarter than most children are.) She asked her these questions when she was around 10 years old. I didn't even think about asking things like this. I didn't know why I was upset, and how to express myself. My mom knew we were being teased, but I don't think she knew to what extent. My sister said that when she asked my mom why she didn't move us to an area with other Asian kids, so we'd fit in better, she said she just jumped around the question, never gave her an answer. Well, we're 25 years old, there's no more jumping around these questions.

These experiences I have have defined who I am as a person. And as a person, I have a lot of fucking problems. Because of all the teasing, I developed this 'shell', this 'shield' to protect myself so I wouldn't keep getting hurt. But now that I have this shell, I can't put it down, I don't trust people very easily, I'm an extremely negative person, and I'm very judgemental. I tend to judge others before they have a chance to judge me, I belittle people to make myself feel better. (ya I know right....I'm working on it) But because I don't open up to people, I never allow myself to get really close to anyone either. Meaning, I never have really close friends. I have my sister, who is my best friend, but for the most part my other friends, they come and go really quickly. I've never had a serious relationship, and the one that could have been, I ran from it. and now I regret it. I have so many more identity problems besides these few...

I hope that with this trip, I can come to terms, get some answers, and/or figure out who I am as a person.

As for transracial adoption. I feel that with my generation, there wasn't a whole lot my parents were able to do to provide information, comfort and support. We didn't bring it up, because it was too hurtful, but neither did they. But today, parents, you better be doing more. You should do more, there's so much more research available to help you. My generation, the first generation of Korean adoptees, it was all experimental, who knew of all the potential problems there would be. Main concern was to find us good homes. Well, sometimes a good home isn't enough.

Don't get me wrong, I have had a great life. I grew up in a great home, with a loving family. But it was the outside world I hated and feared. I was teased my entire life. No wonder I got the hell out of there! And I haven't been back since. I never really felt it to be home, but I don't feel San Francisco is my home either. It'll be interesting to see how I feel about Korea. I wonder if I'll naturally take to it, if it'll feel like home...

Although this post has gotten long, I have noticed I haven't really covered much about adoption and emotions. And I wish I could have grown up knowing there were others with just as many identity problems as myself. Maybe I could have handled everything differently, rather than learning from my own mistakes, I could see how others were doing it, to see how they dealt with things...maybe in my next lifetime...

Latest TV show updates

2010-12-09T04:07:00.000-08:00

OOOOk, so this is what's going on now. We've been trying to get on KBS I miss that person webcam before our trip to Korea. We've been contacting different organizations that have connections with the show. But it's a no go, not enough time. Plus, there's other people already on the waitlist ahead of us....completely understand.

We will be on YTN when we're in Korea. We were told that it's a news channel that is broadcast all over Korea. It will reach a different audience, which helps our search! We have to bring lots of information with us when we meet up with GOAL to set up appointments/fill out paper work for YTN. We need baby pictures, and our adoption file, not sure if this is the adoption file in the States or Eastern...or both.

But I did receive an email today from a GOAL employee that I had briefly contacted. I had originally emailed him about the Duel Citizenship for Korean adoptees, and had included a 2 sentence summary of our adoption. And a week later, he emails me, remembering who I was, and said that he saw our story on KBS today!

Since we were unable to get on the show live. We did the next best thing to get our story out there before our trip. A policeman went on the show and presented our story, adoption information, and showed before/after pictures of us as well. We were told that the policeman was going to try to record the show this week, if possible, but that was the last I had heard about it. If it wasn't for GOAL, I never would have known it went on the air! He even said that he recorded it for me, and that as soon as he got home, he would upload the video to GOAL's YouTube account. OMG! SO NICE!!

I'm excited to see the video. There probably won't be any translation, so I'll have a friend translate it and post the transcription with it.

I hope they said everything I asked them to say....guess I'll find out

***Update!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa0JhCx5K2A
This is the video. They did not mention our upcoming trip dates though. :(
But we're proud to say that my sister and I, who have just started taking a Korean language class, we deciphered almost the whole thing
This is what it said:
We are American. Han Jee Ha, Han Jee Mee (26 years old - this is our Korean age) and we are looking for our missing family.
Put us up for adoption on 1985 March 11. Gave birth at Han-Kuk hospital in Oakyo-dong, Ulsan same day.
Family is Father, mother, older sister, and older brother. Estimate of 6 family members.
Mother was 34 years old when we were born.
Han Jee Ha, older sister born 1985 March 11 at 11:52pm.
younger sibling Han Jee Mee, born 1985 March 12 at 12:04am

here's a map of where Oakyo-dong, Ulsan is. Oakyo-dong, Ulsan
My friend who helped me find Oakyo-dong, couldn't find the location of the hospital.

One month to go...

2010-12-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

Where has the time gone? It is exactly one month from today, and I'll be on a plane to my motherland; South Korea.

I'm so nervous.

'I Miss That Person' TV show on KBS

2010-11-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

OMG, this is getting ridiculous. It's taking forever to receive any sort of information about this TV show. But here's all the information I've received about it.

I Miss That Person is a TV show on KBS so people can get help finding missing family or friends. Most adoptees go on this show to find their birth families. To go on the TV show live, you must register in person. They will do a pre-interview with you. Then you are wait-listed for approximately 1 month. This information I was told by the social worker at CHS. I don't know how accurate it is though. I was then suggested to go on the show through webcam instead. Since my stay in Korea isn't long enough to go on the show live. To go on the show through webcam, I was told that you can sign up through CHS, and that after the pre-interview, it is a 2 month wait.

Well, who knows how accurate that information is! I contacted Korean Bridge, a new organization that I was told has connections with the webcam TV show. Hoping that my twin sister and I would be able to get on the show early, before our trip, I contacted them, explaining my situation, knowing that it would probably be a long shot.

It is. I heard back that they will see what they can do, but that they heard the wait list to get on the TV show through webcam is 1 YEAR!!!!!! OMG!!! This search of mine is already going on 2 years!!!! I should have started this search when I was 18, maybe by now I would have found them by now...ugh...I'm frustrated, everything feels so hopeless...

*Update
So I was told about a month ago that they were showing our adoption info, our birth info, baby pictures and updated picture on TV by a policeman on KBS. WELL, I got a phone call today. apparently they haven't done any of that yet. AND since we are waitlisted for the TV webcam show, we have to pick one or the other to follow through with now. Since there is a huge wait/demand to get on this show, we can't have our info being shown on more than one program. So we decided since its a 2 month wait, we'll have the policeman tell our story. Which will 'most likely' be recorded next week....still waiting on answers when it'll actually be broadcast. We also don't know where in Korea it'll play or how many times or after/between what shows. But hopefully someone will come forward with info soon! Fingers crossed!

**DBL Update
Ok, so this information told by the policeman isn't shown between programs like we originally believed. It's shown on the actual I Miss That Person TV show on KBS. It is taped live and is broadcast throughout the country. This show is specifically designed just to find missing people. After it is aired, it is then posted on their website (which is all in Korean): KBS I Miss That Person

Korean Wedding Traditions and Hanboks

2010-11-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

These are so beautiful! I would love to be married in one!
http://www.weddinginspirasi.com/2010/08/20/fusion-korean-wedding-dress-fashion-colorful-modern-hanbok-lynn/
Here's the designers site: http://www.hanboklynn.co.kr/Main/main.php

So I told my Korean adoptee friend about this site. She told me about Paebaek, a traditional Korean ceremony performed at weddings. It usually takes place after the wedding ceremony and is limited to family members. Recently, Paebaeks are increasingly performed in front of guests, especially in America.

She brought up an interesting point. Since we're adopted, and have white parents, would we still do paebaek?

What if I don't marry a guy who's Korean?

But either way those dresses are so beautiful, but assuming they're really expensive since they're located next to Prada in Korea...but oh well, a girl can dream

maybe I should find a guy first, then worry about the dress ;)

Korean Adoption Movies/Books

2010-11-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

I've watched a few movies now on Korean Adoption. They are really hard to watch. I can connect with them in so many different ways, and learn from them in others.

Adopted the Movie: this movie has 2 stories. One follows Korean adoptee Jennifer Fero as she struggles to confront her parents about her adoption and the experiences along with it. She is very frustrated with her adoption, and her parents lack of acknowledgment of it. The other part of the story follows John and
Jacqueline Trainer as they adopt a little girl from China. It is interesting to see the steps they go through in the beginning of the adoption and to see the steps they are taking to include her culture in her new life in American. Wish I could've grown up with my culture too...As for Jennifer Fero's story. It is very hard to watch. It is upsetting to see her parents reactions and lack of interest in Jennifer's feelings regarding her adoption. This is not an uplifting movie, just for a heads up.

My Father: This movie is based on a true story. It is about this Korean American guy who was put up for adoption. He joins the army and is stationed in Korea. While there he starts his search for his birth parents. He finds his father. He's in prison, on death row for killing 2 men. It was interesting story, he goes on the Korean TV show to find his family. Shows how his first meeting with his father is, with all the cameras and publicity...I was told that if I find my birth family, that they probably won't speak English, and that I'll have to learn Korean to be able to converse with them. I connect with this movie more so in the beginning, not so much in the second half of the story. Interesting overall though.

Susan Soon-Keum Cox. Voice from Another Place: A Collection of Works from a Generation Born in Korea and Adopted to Other Countries. This is a book of different peoples adoption experiences. This is the first book that I read when starting my adoption search. I enjoyed it. I always kind of thought I was going through this alone, even though I had a Korean adoptee friend growing up. We just never talked about it. And I had my twin sister, which we talked about it, but more so talked about the things happening to us, not the reasons why they were happening. I was too young to express my thoughts. So I felt more alone. But this book was filled with so many different experiences from people all over the world. I really found it interesting when the kids were old enough to remember being in Korea, and then having to adjust to a different culture and language. I know they are making another book. And even had the opportunity to write in my story, but I wasn't ready for that yet.

Chinese look-a-like?

2010-11-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

Since moving to SF and being surrounded by Asian culture. I have been trying to tell the difference between all the different Asian nationalities. THIS IS HARDER THAN ONE THINKS!!!

Think you can tell the difference? Take this quiz! You have to register/sign up. but you aren't required to give your email address, you no way to spam you :D http://alllooksame.com/exam_room.php

I did not do too well on this quiz. I got 9/18. "You are OK" was the end result. and the nationalities that I thought I knew, I got wrong. Or mostly wrong.

Anyways, this brings up another interesting point. No one ever thinks I'm Korean. I've gotten almost every other guess though. Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Irish, Native American, Indian, mixed, and I think that's it.....

Ridiculous right? Most people assume I'm Chinese. But in this last month I've had: Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese and Native American.

Even had a few Chinese women today talking to me in Chinese when I went for lunch. Ya....no clue what they were saying. Luckily my friend knows Chinese, b/c otherwise I wouldn't have known she said my food cost $6.10.

Take a look at my picture, what do you think?

The Search: Part 4 - the latest updates

2010-11-24T00:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so the other day I heard back from my Korean social worker through Children's Home Society (CHS) in Minnesota. The TV show we originally wanted to try to get on while in Korea, (We Miss That Person on KBS), to help us search for our birth family, isn't going to happen. Apparently Kabin, our social worker, can't register us for the show. We have to do it ourselves...in person. BUT that's just to sign up. Then we have to have a pre-interview or something and wait for approximately one month. We'll only be in Korea for 2 weeks. So unless we're willing to change the dates of our trip, this is not an option for us. And we're locked into the time we'll be there scheduling this around school.

So option #2. Go on the TV show but on webcam. We thought maybe if we could get on that TV show through webcam before our trip, they could announce our trip on the show, and maybe someone would come forwards with information so while in Korea, we'd be able to meet our family. But that's also wishful thinking. The wait list is approximately 2 months to get on the show. Ugh.

One thing I didn't like about the TV show is that you have to sign lots of paperwork. So if you do happen to locate your birth family through the show, you have to have your first meeting on TV. But shouldn't the main purpose of the show to be to find your family? Not to bring in more ratings..?

So all that's happening now is that our baby pictures and our current picture and story are being shown inbetween programs by a police officer. Here's hoping!

It's about a month and a half til we will be flying over to Korea, I'm in one of those moods where I'm so absorbed with all the information. I'm very nervous and emotional about it. It can't get here any faster. Yet I feel so unprepared. I'm trying to keep it together because we've got lots of people flying in late tonight for Thanksgiving.

also, still no news on which city we were born in. Hopefully we'll know soon though.

Ugh, I wish the Korean friends I do have, that I'm really close with would be in Korea during that time. I'll need all the help I can get.

*Update
We were told that there is no documentation on which hospital we were born in. and that means that there is no specific info on which actual city we were born in. BUT wherever we were born, we were referred to the Ulsan Eastern branch, so 'most-likely' we were born in Ulsan. Well I guess that's better than nothing...

Asian on the outside, White on the inside...

2010-11-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

So one thing that I never noticed until recently, was the fact that when I flipped through a magazine, almost all the people in it were Caucasian. I never noticed, but then again I grew up in a primarily Caucasian area, Minnesota. I also realized that in my art. I'm an art student and I have been drawing people for as long as I can remember. But I only drew White people. That's what I grew up with as the 'idealistic beauty'. I wanted to draw the Beautiful. And images of beautiful white women were easy to find.

So when I was in undergrad, some of my teachers had us draw self portraits. Self portraits are suppose to be the hardest to draw. I believe it 100%! I never drew myself, I grew up thinking I wasn't beautiful, so why would I want to immortalize my ugliness by putting it down on paper? So out of habit, my self portraits never looked like me, my eyes were never 'Asian' enough. I remember one even made me look like I was Hispanic!

So I found it interesting in this month's (Dec 2010) issue of Vogue, that there was an article about Asian models and how they are 'redefining traditional concepts of beauty.' I wish I could have grown up with Asian role models. But I didn't. All I knew was Jackie Chan.

Although this issue doesn't cover the subject very much. But it is interesting. It is written from an Asian (Chinese I believe) adopted woman who grew up also in Minnesota. It covers a little bit about her adoption and her experiences. One learns so much through other peoples experiences. She did what I have been thinking of doing for a couple years now. She changed her last name to her given name. I have grown up with this all-American white girl name. I feel no connection to it. I actually hate my last name. And living in San Francisco, a city with tons of Asian culture, I feel my name holds me back. That my white girl name, is one of the reasons I'll never truly be considered Asian. I have so many Asian friends now, I just tend to connect with them more. But they still consider me half white :(

I honestly don't know what more I can do to feel like I fit in, to feel like I was suppose to feel. I'm too ethnic looking to be white, and I'm too white to be Asian. What's a girl to do?

But I always did wonder, if I already had a name, and had been called that for almost 4 months, why change it? Oh, but my adoptive parents tried to tie in a little bit of Asian culture into our names, our middle names. Mine being Megan Lin. and my identical twin sisters being Mandi Lee. We're Korean. Lin is a Chinese name! Nice try parental units...

My mom tried. She got us into a Korean cultural camp growing up. But it wasn't any help because it was only one week a year and we only went 3 years. but we were older already, we didn't want to embrace our Asian heritage at that age. We just wanted to fit in! I wish we could have gotten that knowledge and exposure when we were growing up, although I don't know if we would have accepted it, given our circumstances. But my sister told me a couple months ago that a girl who went to our Korean camp, her parents were paying for private Korean lessons every week. So she would grow up knowing her native language. JEALOUS!!!!!!! Now I'm trying to play catch up.

Ugh, sometimes I'm so frustrated with my life and how things are turning out.

I Am Korean American

2010-11-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

I Am Korean American.com

Updates:
I have since switched majors. I was originally designing this thesis project in Web Design New Media. But realized I hated web design and switched to 3D Animation. Although my thesis requirements have changed drastically, I'm still attempting to include some sort of connection with Asian culture or Asian stereotypes. My original idea revolving around transracial adoption is not going to work though. I have been advised against it by numerous people. My thesis is a 2-3 minute animation, it would be hard to have a beginning, middle and end to this story if I were to do this topic. Also, it would make it harder for me to get a job afterwards. No one would want to hire a girl who obviously still has issues regarding her past...

The Search....Part 3: Leavin' on a Jet Plane!

2010-11-16T03:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the search has begun. We've gotten the little bit of information that we could from both our files from CHS and from Eastern.

Q: What's our next step?
A: Go to Korea!!!!

And the tickets are booked!
January 4th - January 18th, watch out Korea!
This isn't a 'lets have a great time and tour Korea' trip. Yes we will be doing some site seeing and all that fun stuff...but, this is the search trip.

My mom, my sister Mandi, and I are all going to search more for our birth parents.
We are currently trying to get onto the Korean TV show, "I Miss that Person" on KBS.

We do have questions regarding that show though. If you go on that show, and you find your birth family through it, do they have the rights to it? Do we have to meet via TV then? Anyone out there know anything more about this? I've asked CHS, but I haven't gotten a response back yet.

We already have our baby pictures, our current picture, and story being shown on TV over in Korea.

We will try to meet up with our foster mothers. Visit our birth clinic, in the city that we do not know yet.

Luckily, Korean adoptees are able to stay for really cheap in Seoul.
http://www.koroot.org/
For $15 US dollars a night, we're able to stay and experience Korea for a reasonable price.

to be continued...

The Search....Part 2: New News

2010-11-16T02:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so once I finally sent in all my information to CHS (Children's Home Society), I was told it takes 9-12 months for any news.

My predicition: I always thought it was hard to believe that my birth mother was 34, single, yet 'very pretty'. I always imagined that she was married to my birth father and that they were not financially stable to raise us. I also assummed that we probably had older siblings as well. Wishful thinking?

10 months later I get a phone call. Guess what, my prediction was true!!! They were married, financially unstable, and had 2 other children. Both older. Boy and a Girl.

I have another sister and a brother!!!!!!

Words cannot describe how I felt about this news.

Original Documentation

2010-11-16T02:38:00.000-08:00

So after contacting Children's Home Society about starting the birth parent search, I started to receive lots of paperwork. After paying lots of fees, notarizations, and questions, I finally got to the important stuff: What I have to send off to Korea for my birth family.

I started the search Fall of 2008. It took me approximately 9 month to write the letter. Then another 3ish months to mail it off. This is a huge deal to me, not something I take lightly. I wanted to make sure to get it right, that I was really emotionally ready to start this search, that my family knew, understood, and supported me as well, and most of all, that my twin sister was ready for whatever information we would receive.

Here's the original documents:

Updates: I have started taking Korean lessons, so I know very basic Korean spoken with a heavy American Accent :)
I also love Korean food now! Yay for Kimchi!
I know a little bit about the culture.
The picture is really old. Look how short my hair is!! This picture was taken 2 1/2 years ago.
and I cried the entire time I wrote the letter.

The Search....Part 1:Babysteps

2010-11-16T02:09:00.000-08:00

Since moving to San Francisco for graduate school, I have been thrust into Asian culture, whether I liked it or not. Either way I wasn't use to it. First semester at AAU, I was out of my element, really uncomfortable.

My roommate Ana, who's Dominican, from NYC, knew more about Asian culture than me...the Asian! It was sad really. I was in culture shock. I was not prepared!

But, I'm proud to say, I learned how to use chopsticks, learned to love Asian food (I use to hate Asian food), and have started to learn Korean!

I really started to learn about Korean culture from an exboyfriend, lets call him Frank :)

He was Chinese, yet he seemed to know a lot about Korean culture. He was one of those people who were good at everything.....except cooking. He loved Asian food, so he took me to lots of different Asian restaurants to try all sorts of different food. It was awesome!

Now, I LOVE Korean food!!!! You too? Lets go!!!

Anyways, he, Frank, introduced me to Korean music, Kpop, and Korean Dramas, Kdramas. I originally started to listen to the music to hear how actual Korean Koreans speak, same with the dramas. I now LOVE Kpop music. The dramas tho....hmmm. They all seem to have the same formula: pop stars as actors, BAD ACTING, love triangle, deadly illness, and of course...memory loss. Ugh...

The Beginning

2010-11-16T01:33:00.000-08:00

This is such a big issue in my life right now, I need to document what happens so I don't forget it. So here it goes...

Where to start...the beginning:

I was born in South Korea on March 12, 1985. My identical twin sister and I were put up for adoption the moment we were born. All we were told was that our birth mother was 34 years old, single, and 'very pretty'. We have since learned that if you are single in Korea, you are looked down upon if you have a child out of wedlock. You will bring shame to your entire family.

We were born in a catholic hospital in Kyung Sang Nam-do province (see image below for reference). We were put in foster care, we had separate foster mothers. I was my foster mothers first child. They lived down the street from each other so we were able to play together. After waiting the 3 months to see if our birth mother would change her mind, we were adopted by an American family.

We were adopted through Children's Home Society in Minnesota. They work primarily with South Korea. That is why there are so many Korean adoptees who live in the midwest. Otherwise in Korea, we went through Eastern Social Welfare Society. I was named Han Jee Mee (한지미), Mandi, my older twin sister was named Han Jee Ha (한지하). Oh, we were also born on different days. 12 minutes apart, she was right before midnight on March 11th, and I right after midnight on March 12th.

Otherwise this is all the information we knew growing up...

by the way, I was a really cute baby. Although it may be hard to tell based on the above picture...